Home Is Where the Heart Is.

I am getting ready for our next trip back to the UK. Are we going home or are we going away and returning home later? I don`t know where home is these days. I am looking forward to visiting the country of my birth for several reasons. In no particular order they are;- friends, family and pubs. I love my new life in Hong Kong. I have made many new friends and enjoy the life of a kept man.I am getting keen to visit my old workmates and chew the fat about how things have changed. I suspect the most talked about thing will be the fact that I struggle to see my toes over my waistline. I am also looking forward to seeing my parents and other relations, but think that they too will be passing a critical eye over my large trousers and wondering why the chinese population seem so slim yet I seem to be like Mr Universe, ie always expanding.I am not too concerned, I am looking forward to a visit to England despite the dreadful 24 hour travel time and the jet-lag that hits me like a red wine hangover.
My trip home is complicated by a five day camping expedition at the Download rock festival, a frantic visit to as many friends as possible and a 25th wedding anniversary. Sometimes the relief as the airplane touches down in Hong Kong after our trip home is unreal. No more rushing about, no more timetables and no more lists.
I will feel sad as I return home knowing that we have not seen people who we have not seen for far too long . I will be sadder still that I have not managed to visit more pubs and not tried more real ales.This sadness will fade as I bask in the warmth of the South China Sea and drink beer whilst avoiding the pesky mosquitos.
I will keep a Download diary while I am in the Uk and will post it once I am back in Lantau. Home is wherever I lay my hat and I need to have two hats because I do not know where my home is!

Suited and Booted.

Here in the muggy spring weather, the streets are full of schoolchildren of all ages, giggling and chattering and carrying huge parachutes disguised as rucksacks. The easiest way to know that they are schoolchildren is that they are wearing uniforms. The uniforms are normally a fairly simple design, same coloured trousers and a shirt worn with a school tie for the chaps and either a skirt and blouse or a pinafore thing for the girls. One school features a dicky bow tie as part of its uniform and it has to be said that a six-year-old looking like a very young Frank Muir does have a certain cute appeal. I remember my school days. I absolutely hated school uniform. “We look like a load of sheep!”, “I want to express my individuality!” I also hated school, brussel sprouts and of course getting out of bed in the morning to go to school. Now I am older, I no longer wear a uniform, avoid brussel sprouts and only get out of bed when absolutely necessary. Now I am an adult I think that school uniform is a very good thing. The commonest argument against uniform is cost. Well to be truthful, unless you are planning to send the fruit of your loin to school in the nude, then you are going to have to buy them something. whether that is to avoid the childs embarrassment or a knock on the door by social services is up to you really. It also means that getting dressed for school is a lot simpler and reduces the risk of a semi-clothed female screaming “I have got nothing to wear!!”
Th other grumble about uniform is its sameness. I used to groan about looking the same as my mates at school, then at the weekend pester my poor mother to buy me the latest garment with the whine that “Everybody else has got one!”

As one get invariably older, the attitudes change slightly. I still dress casual, which Wife says is code for “Like a slob” but I like to deal with professionals who are clean-shaven and wear a suit. I do not think I would be particularly keen on parting with a few hundred quid on a car if the salesman looked like he had just been dragged through a hedge backwards. A while back a young chap took his employers to tribunal as they required him to wear a shirt and tie. This,he claimed, was sexist and he won. Well he might be a bloke but GROW A PAIR! I was astonished at his whinge, he sounded like a petulant fourteen year old…”Its not FAIR!” Well its tough, get over it! There are worse things in life than having to make a bit of an effort before you go to work. You could have to wear a radiation suit and clean up a nuclear reactor, you never hear of those people moaning that they all look the same do you?

I do appreciate that you should never judge a book by it`s cover and I am sure that this chap was perfectly competent at his job. I would, though just like to propose the following scenario.

You are just settling into your seat on an airplane ready for a twelve-hour flight. Walking down the aisle is the pilot. tattoos up one arm, five days stubble on his face and wearing an “I`m with stupid” t-shirt complete with sweat stains and the remains of his lunch smeared down the front. Would you be unperturbed or would you pay really really really close attention to the safety announcement!

Summer is here!

The last few days has seen a marked increase in temperature. The local population has been seen to dispense with the jumpers and just wear a t-shirt and coat. Me? The jeans have been relegated to the wardrobe and shorts are now the order of the day.Temperature is all a relative thing, last “winter” I was sorting out the transfer of various utilities from our old flat to the new one. The staff at the shops were aghast as I stood in front of them wearing a slogan`d t-shirt and jeans. “Are you not cold?” they asked through scarves whilst zipping up their coats a bit more. Of course I am used to an English climate, so Hong Kong seems warm most of the time. There is, as ever, a payback to my tough “I-don`t-feel-the cold” stance. While I sit and gradually descend into a puddle of sweat in the corner, my fellow drinkers sit cool as cucumbers and smile as I slowly but surely melt. The mercury is heading towards 30 degrees but the only one sweating is the Englishman. I envy the fact that the locals cope so well in the heat. My main consolation is that should any of these sweatless people head to England for the summer, they will have surely caught hypothermia before the end of August!

An Englishman Abroad.

I am an Englishman. I define myself as “English”, not british and definitely not european. Many people think that I must be a foreigner hating lunatic, ( one of those words may be correct but that is a judgement call). I have visited europe on many occasions and enjoyed myself every time. I Found the Spanish pleasant people and the French anything but rude. I have eaten pasta and camembert, I even have the ability to speak a few words of french. VERY LOUDLY OF COURSE SO THAT THEY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. That does not mean that I like the idea of the european union. I understand the logic of harmonising rules and regulations, it makes a lot of sense to standardise things. I do, of course, want to keep my pints and miles. I also want to keep the pound.

A country that relinguishes the control of its currency becomes a victim of somebody else. When Greece joined the Euro I read many columnists who said that this was not a particularly good idea. The politicians and the bankers naturally knew better than the great unwashed and went ahead anyway. Greece was showered with money and even held an olympic games. What could possibly go wrong? The plebs like me who were naturally suspicious of a european plan were decried as luddite nay sayers, the sort of people who thought that England still ruled the waves and anything after Dover should be marked on a map as “Here be dragons.” I was told repeatedly that high finance was not a concern of mine and it would be fine. A few months later and the chickens came home to roost and brought a few friends with them to ram the point home.
Europe had tried to tie the powerhouse of Germany to a rural and tourist industry based Greece. Suddenly the brown stuff hit the air circulating device. Amazingly, the Greek government had borrowed more money than it could afford and now needed bailing out. In reality the French and German banks that had lent money to Greece needed bailing out rapidly so the EU and the IMF and many other capital letters joined together to make money out of nothing and throw it about. The Greek citizens lost their jobs and their livelihoods but the bankers got their money so that was alright then.
I am a natural sceptic. When I hear of people being conned out of money my first instinct is to blame the person who lost out. It may seem harsh, but if you are a mug who buys an item from a paper for twenty quid that promises to cut all your bills in half, when you open the package and find a pair of scissors I am afraid sympathy is not going to come from this direction.
Every time I hear of anything from Europe my first instinct is to say “NO!” perhaps our wonderful leaders should learn to say “Non” rather than “Ja!”

Tung Chung to Discovery Bay ( beer optional extra.)

My Wife, who follows this blog as a means to understand why her purse becomes empty, asked why I do not write a hiking guide as opposed to some random dribbling. As she has a point and also a full purse, I decided to describe to you a rather pleasant stroll that I took last week.

 As I am neither a professional guide or a font of all knowledge, please be aware that the following is my opinion and if you fancy following in my footsteps, seek medical and legal advice. Whatever you do, you are responsible and I accept no blame if you fall over and break your camera. So there! That was the legal bit!

 The walk from Tung Chung to Discovery Bay will take around about four hours. You will need good boots, good socks,bug spray and plenty of water.You will also need beer money and bus,train or ferry fare. The optional extra`s are map,compass and GPS navigation system. The footpaths are well marked and easy to follow,  a map  is useful so that you can point in the general direction of Lo Fu Tau and refer to its height and other points of interest.

 Once the train pulls up at Tung Chung get off the train. If you stay on the train you will be transported back towards Hong Kong and you do not want to do that just yet. Leave the train and head for exit C. Up the escalators until you are at the top and try not to look too out of place as you walk past all the designer shops in your shorts and walking boots. Go past the Pacific Coffee and go down one set of escalators and head out of the mall. immediately you leave the mall turn right and go down the diagonal stairs. At the bottom head sort of left but straight onish and walk past all the high rises that are on your left. Keep going until you see a petrol station. At this point walk right along Hei Tung street and squeeze down the small space between the wall and the chain link fence. All you do now is walk for about 20 minutes along the side of the railway line until you reach an underpass that takes you to the start of the olympic path. At this point you have walked on a level and concrete path and been assisted in going in an upward direction by electric powered escalators. No more! leg power is required for the next few hours. The footpath meanders through several small villages and is really easy to follow. Once you head out into the hills, the footpath begins to get steeper and steeper. interspaces with well made concrete steps the footpath rises higher and higher. The sweat begins to flow at this point! When you see a sign announcing that you have entered an extension of the Lantau park, turn around and walk back a few yards and you will find a rest area that gives a wonderful view of the airport and the mainland. Of course if it is hazy and foggy you will see nothing but at least you can rest your weary trotters. Upwards , ever upwards until you reach the top of the olympic trail. It should take about two hours to reach this point. It is well marked with a rest area and  huge board with a map on it. At this point you can decide which way to go. Straight on is towards Mui Wo and is a similar path to the one you have followed. If you go this way keep going and follow the signs for the ferry pier. I would recommend either the China Bear or the Bahce for food before boarding the ferry for central or taking a bus back to Tung Chung.

 Of course the route we take is left. The trail stops being a concrete path and becomes  a well trodden route. If you have bug spray, use it now!  There maybe snakes on this part, but since you are way too big for  a snake to eat they are not really interested in biting you. If, however, you decide to pick a snake up, they just might decide to give you a quick nip. My advice is to leave sleeping snakes lie.If you really want to pick up a snake, please get one of your friends to video it as these videos are really popular on youtube.

 The trail leads onwards and upwards. Steep sections are marked out by a rough stone staircase and the pools of sweat beside them. After about an hourand a half from the junction with the olympic trail you will reach the summit of Lo Fu Tau . The peak features two information boards that tell you the names of the hills and islands you cannot see. It is now decision time. If you carry on the trail becomes very very difficult but gets you into Discovery Bay in about 45 minutes. Wimps like me head back the way we came and turn right at the board with the map on. The trail is well marked but very steep for the next thirty minutes or so. Once you get to a junction in the path that features telegraph poles, turn right and head down hill. More bug spray should be applied at this point and caution should be taken as the downhill bit appears to follow a water course so is very slippy and covered in rocks that move. If you are at this point and wearing flip-flops you may be regretting not taking my advice and wearing boots! As you slither and slide towards Discovery bay the path suddenly disappears! Fear not! Just turn left and follow the drainage ditch for about thirty yards, go down the rough concrete stairs and then hop over the wall. bear left and then right and you are now on a main road i Discovery bay! If you are a wuss then there are bus stops nearby. If you are determined to get the most of your walk today keep going downhill until you get to the tennis courts. At this point turn left and walk into the main shopping area of Discovery Bay. There are several eating and drinking establishments here. You may need them!

 Once you have finished eating and drinking there is a ferry to take you to central or buses to take you to Tung Chung or Sunny bay. From there the MTR will whisk your aching body home.

Death and Taxes

Even though I am located many miles from my original home of England, I still follow news via the internet thingy with interest. It was budget day in the UK recently and the chap with a red briefcase stood up and tried to explain that he was being nice to everybody. As all those with more brain cells than an amoeba know, that does not happen. There are winners and there are losers. The question is, how does it all balance out in the end?
The problem with all taxes is twofold. The first problem is that it is complicated. I do not like complicated things, you only have to watch me use a computer to realise that all the wonderful shortcuts, icons and menus are no use to an oaf like me who likes to point and click at something. If a pretty picture pops up or a video of somebody falling over appears, all the better, I do not really want much more than that. Tax allowances, child tax credits, capital gains tax and offset tax allowances (overseas) subsection 3 para 4 have little or no interest to me. I am but a simple soul who has money in his pocket until it is gone. I know that when I worked for fifty hours a week the money I earned would be magically reduced to mean that I could spend what I had earned in forty hours. I did try to see if I could just work for forty hours and be done with it but apparently that is illegal and would see an honest bloke hauled in front of the beak for a bit of a telling off and even perhaps a bit of time in the clink.
The second thing with taxes is that everyone thinks that they should pay less and somebody else should pay more. This does lead to a few problems and possibly even a punch-up down the pub. If you earn 10WM$* a week and you are taxed at ten per cent, you receive in your grubby mitt 9WM$. If you earn 20WM$ you pay 2WM$ and recieve 18WM$. The problem occurs when you earn 30WM$ and as you are obviously rich you must now pay a higher rate of tax of twenty per cent. so your 30WM$ is reduced to 24WM$. You might think its unfair, you may even regard the fact that you work harder than the others as a bit unjust, it is tough! It is a democracy and you are in the minority so pay up. Of course the problem occurs as it now becomes possible for you to hire an accountant for 1WM$ who can now show that you have so many liabilities that in fact your income is only 18WM$ so the net result is that an accountant makes money, you keep more of your money and the tax goes down from 6WM$ to 1.8WM$ and no-one is happy apart from your accountant and yourself. You are now the greedy one and you had better board up your windows and doors!

Of course that is the simplistic argument that high earners have used for avoiding paying tax. If you earn three times the average perhaps you should pay more than your fair share by paying a higher rate.

Of course the other thing the budget tends to focus on is property taxes. I have a bit of an issue with property taxes. I bought my house with money that has been taxed. Most of that money went to buying it and guess what? I am to be taxed on the fact that I own a house. I am always amazed at the way a house is taxed as if it is a luxury! where the heck am I supposed to keep all my rubbish? Of course a fair system would be a tax per person so that everybody pays for the services a council provides. I think we could call it a community charge….mmm, yes, I remember how well that particular tax went down with the population!

The next tax that gets me cross is taxes associated with cars. I go to work and need a car to get to work. The money I earn to buy the car has been taxed, I buy the car and pay tax on the purchase of my little tin box. I park it in my garage and pay extra council tax as I own a garage and do not park my car on the road. Then I need insurance. That is then subject to VAT and an insurance tax. Of course I need to get a tax disc, the clue in the name really. That is supposed to pay for the roads but has many years ago been swallowed up into general taxation. As if insult and injury were not close enough bedfellows I have to put fuel into my work transportation device.And would you credit it, the taxman has got there first and put a tax on petrol! To to add a quick kick in the rear as he raided my wallet he also put VAT onto the tax he puts on petrol! A tax on a tax! That is inspired! Of course to unwind from this never ending round of paying tax I leave the car at home and head for the pub for a pint to drown my sorrows. I think we can all figure out which direction the rant takes now!

* A WM$ is a currency I have invented. Should you wish to use it, 10% WMAT is to be forwarded to my account! ( WMAT is Wheel Monkey Added Tax!)

A valuable guide to saving money.

I have just eaten a rather fine lunch whilst overlooking the South China Sea. As the waiter approached with my third ( second if the wife is reading this) beer, I got to contemplating life and how to get the most out of it. It dawned on me that making your (wifes) money go as far as possible is always helpful. So here it is, the Wheelmonkey`s guide to saving money!

1) Shop online! It sounds like a daft idea as you must now pay delivery charges for buying your groceries, but if you calculate how much fuel you use to get to the supermarket it is not that bad a deal.Of course the other advantage is that you no longer drive to the supermarket for a loaf of bread and return with a dishwasher,four packs of firelighters and a pressure washer.

2) Do not shop at supermarkets! Now i realise that this contradicts point one but if you go to a local fruit and veg market you will save money.

3) When you go to the supermarket ( yes I know, contradicts points one and two..) never, ever use a trolley. Always use a basket. Once it gets too heavy to carry you will be forced to head to the check-out as you cannot carry anymore therefore saving valuable cash.

4) When you are at the supermarket and invoking rule three, head for the beer aisle first. Stock up on as much beer as you can get away with. You must remember that beer is a staple food item so money spent here is never wasted. The big advantage is that your basket becomes too heavy very quickly so the milk and bread will have to be sacrificed.

5) If you are shopping at the supermarket and your wife starts to scowl due to your sensible cost cutting exercises, give her the basket to carry. Checkout here we go!

6) Beware the false god of BOGOFS! As a careful shopper it is too easy for your eyes to be drawn to the ” Buy One Get One Free ” tickets. If you had the intention of buying one of the items, fine, you have got two for the price of one. You must be aware, however, that just because cat food has a BOGOF it does not really make it a bargain, especially if you are not a cat owner.

7) The food that is close to it`s sell-by date is always a good bargain. If it is blue cheese that was originally Wenslydale, perhaps not such a good bargain. ( Although if you can eat it, then be seriously ill you may have a claim for compensation from the supermarket, your call really.) Again, if you are lactose intolerant, then perhaps you should not really have bought fifteen cartons of yogurt for half price on the basis that “It is a good deal”.

8) The best way to double your money is to take it out of your pocket, fold it in half and put it back again.

9 ) If it sounds too good to be true, it is!

10) Buying beer at Happy Hour is good as it is half price, so you can have twice as much.

I hope that these few helpful hints will ensure that your hard-earned cash goes a bit further, perhaps even as far as next pay day!