The Thoughts of Chairman Monkey.

Since I am just about to start my third pint, I have very generously decided to solve the UK`s financial,social and environmental crisis.

Housing. Houses are too expensive and people are spending too much time working merely to put a roof over their heads. To solve this problem I will immediately cancel all housing benefit and only allow banks to lend two-and-a-half times joint wages for a mortgage. This will force the house prices down and mean that rents too will fall.No longer will the government shell out loads of money to support huge rents. Landlords will have to adjust their rates according to what they can get and I suppose a few will take a bit of a loss. Since the value of your investment can go down as well as up, it’s a bit of bad luck for those who have decided to treat their house as an investment rather than a home.

Crime is the next thing to sort out. No more softly softly stuff. One warning and then your on your way to clink. Re-offending will not be a problem as very few crimes can be committed whilst the perpetrator is locked in a prison cell. Criminals who refuse to mend their ways will stay in prison and therefore pose no real problem. Human rights legislation will be scrapped, as will race-hate crimes. If somebody gets a punch up the hooter, it will only be necessary to prove that the punch was thrown and not thrown because of the other person skin colour,race,religion or gender. An example as follows. ” You hit the other person because he was gay?.” “No m`lud, I have many gay friends.” “case dismissed!” This will now change to ” You hit the other person?” “Yes m`lud” ” five years!” Simples! No need for new laws, just simple laws.

Drinking. There are many complicated ways of dealing with drunks. I will scrap them all and simple use the old-fashioned “drunk and disorderly” offence. It will be defined as being a bit of a nuisance. No need for anything else. First offence a week in gaol, second offence a month.

Driving. Any person failing to indicate at a junction or roundabout will be taken from their car, whipped by the side of the road and their car burned in front of their eyes. Second offence and we are talking electric chair time. Driving with no insurance will be punished by two years in prison and a fine of five time what it would have cost initially. Driving at below 60MPH on the motorway when it is clear will get you a two year driving ban.

Tax. VAT to be removed from real ale.Excise duty to be removed from real ale. Real ale to be tax deductible. ( No point being chairman if you cannot work a few perks in your own direction!). Since everybody suffers due to high fuel cost, a 50% reduction in fuel duty for a starter. Windmills to be scrapped as is all government feed-in tariff for solar panels. If they are worth doing, they should pay for themselves.This will then reduce everybody fuel bills.

Education. Exams to be made really really hard. Only the top 10% go to university. Everybody else to go to work.

Europe. Out.

Although my plans might seem a tad harsh (or even impracticable) I am sure the money saved would go a long way to ensure a happy and harmonious country with me as the glorious leader and my portrait on display at all public locations. Any minor technicalities I am sure can be overcome….Viva el Monkey!

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Being English…Sorry!

I was born in Yorkshire, which many say is the heart of England. I am English through and through and love the English way of life. An advert for British Airways many years ago featured a bemused American who wondered why we invented a complicated game and then let the rest of the world beat us at it. That is true. England led the way in so many areas but suffered the consequence of doing something first. The golden rule when dealing with technology is never to buy the first version. Betamax anyone? England started the industrial revolution but was passed by so many nations that saw what we had done and went for steam power V.02. The one thing we still lead the way with is pubs. Despite many pubs in the UK closing down there is nothing like a british boozer. I have travelled around the world a bit and have never found a good pub. I have got perilously close on several occasions…I am sat in a fabulous place in Hong Kong now…but never like the Bulls Head or the Red Lion.
I used to enjoy going to a fantastic pub in an equally fantastic village and drinking the well-kept beer. The fun was when there was a hiss of air-brakes and the tourist bus would stop outside. In would pour the American tourists. Their whistle-stop tour of England featuring a medieval battle ground and an old pub. They would stream in and sit down. Then wonder why no-one came to take their order! I found these Americans wonderful company.They had normally only been in the UK for a few hours and were still jet-lagged but could always be relied on to gasp at our warm beer and old buildings. It is hard to assign a trait to an entire nation but I always found the Americans I met to be an extremely friendly bunch. They did not, however, understand poor service like we did. I go to a pub and order my beer at the bar, pay for it on the spot and sit down. Should my glass fall empty I need to get on my feet and go to the bar again. Why should the poor hard done to landlord or his staff come around and ask if I need more beer? I know when I need more beer the glass is not full. The advantage of such poor service is easy to see. At the point at which I can see two doors out of the pub and the bar is in motion I do not need to catch anybody`s eye to pay the bill. All I need to do is haul my carcass to it`s nearly full height and wobble to the door. I do not need to calculate tips or even say goodnight, I merely point my head at the door and as sure as kebab follows beer my feet will trail behind. Pubs feature such wonderful things as real ale and pub bores, old men and newspapers and of course dry roasted peanuts.
I love my new life in Hong Kong and am spoilt with a choice of beach bars and city bars. Public transport means that I can be whisked to my choice of bar without a consideration of who will drive home.I am happy propping the bar, reading a newspaper and boring people who are daft enough to engage me in conversation. I still miss an English pub though. Perhaps when the England is forgotten for its manufacturing it will still be noted for its pubs.