Since I am just about to start my third pint, I have very generously decided to solve the UK`s financial,social and environmental crisis.
Housing. Houses are too expensive and people are spending too much time working merely to put a roof over their heads. To solve this problem I will immediately cancel all housing benefit and only allow banks to lend two-and-a-half times joint wages for a mortgage. This will force the house prices down and mean that rents too will fall.No longer will the government shell out loads of money to support huge rents. Landlords will have to adjust their rates according to what they can get and I suppose a few will take a bit of a loss. Since the value of your investment can go down as well as up, it’s a bit of bad luck for those who have decided to treat their house as an investment rather than a home.
Crime is the next thing to sort out. No more softly softly stuff. One warning and then your on your way to clink. Re-offending will not be a problem as very few crimes can be committed whilst the perpetrator is locked in a prison cell. Criminals who refuse to mend their ways will stay in prison and therefore pose no real problem. Human rights legislation will be scrapped, as will race-hate crimes. If somebody gets a punch up the hooter, it will only be necessary to prove that the punch was thrown and not thrown because of the other person skin colour,race,religion or gender. An example as follows. ” You hit the other person because he was gay?.” “No m`lud, I have many gay friends.” “case dismissed!” This will now change to ” You hit the other person?” “Yes m`lud” ” five years!” Simples! No need for new laws, just simple laws.
Drinking. There are many complicated ways of dealing with drunks. I will scrap them all and simple use the old-fashioned “drunk and disorderly” offence. It will be defined as being a bit of a nuisance. No need for anything else. First offence a week in gaol, second offence a month.
Driving. Any person failing to indicate at a junction or roundabout will be taken from their car, whipped by the side of the road and their car burned in front of their eyes. Second offence and we are talking electric chair time. Driving with no insurance will be punished by two years in prison and a fine of five time what it would have cost initially. Driving at below 60MPH on the motorway when it is clear will get you a two year driving ban.
Tax. VAT to be removed from real ale.Excise duty to be removed from real ale. Real ale to be tax deductible. ( No point being chairman if you cannot work a few perks in your own direction!). Since everybody suffers due to high fuel cost, a 50% reduction in fuel duty for a starter. Windmills to be scrapped as is all government feed-in tariff for solar panels. If they are worth doing, they should pay for themselves.This will then reduce everybody fuel bills.
Education. Exams to be made really really hard. Only the top 10% go to university. Everybody else to go to work.
Although my plans might seem a tad harsh (or even impracticable) I am sure the money saved would go a long way to ensure a happy and harmonious country with me as the glorious leader and my portrait on display at all public locations. Any minor technicalities I am sure can be overcome….Viva el Monkey!