I have flown a fair bit over the years, a mix of short-haul and recently long haul flight. Air travel is no longer the privilege of the rich and famous. Anybody with a few pounds and a passport can now board a plane at one of many airports around the world and be deposited at a similar airport a few hours later. The problem with this is that some people who now fly should never be allowed within three hundred yards of an airport, never mind three feet behind me on a flight to Tenerife. I have therefore strung together a few possible rules and regulations to make flying once more a nice experience.
Rule 1. If you have less brain power than roadkill and struggle to comprehend and understand simple instructions, you are no longer permitted on aircraft. You must now take a bus.
Rule 2. Modern suitcases have wheels. If you have one of these modern contraptions,you do not actually need to hurtle off and get a trolley.Without a trolley you will no longer scrape the ankles of your fellow passengers or block the entrance to any of the shops with your suitcase transporter. This will free up space for the rest of us to waltz merrily through the airport. Lack of courtesy with a trolley will be punished by being banned from the duty free.
Rule 3. On long haul flights, most people will have luggage. This will contain your clothes and your toiletries. On the flight you will be probably fed and watered and also have a screen to watch films on. It follows that once on the aircraft you need very little personal possessions. A coat, perhaps, possibly a book or two and an Ipod. Since your vital documents will fit into your jacket pockets it realistically means that you do not need to take a suitcase cleverly disguised as “hand luggage” aboard the airplane. For the majority of people there is nothing quite as irritating as watching as a stupid oaf crushes your duty-free cigarettes with a bag weighing as much as a small car. If you are the oaf, please refer to rule 1.
Rule 4. The airplane will take off when all the passengers are aboard. If you decide to have an extra pint of lager before heading off to pour cheap booze down your throat for a week, make sure you are going to get to the gate in time. Sitting on the tarmac, squashed in a tiny seat while the crew announce that they cannot leave because a passenger has not arrived and they must now remove his luggage from the hold becomes slightly tiresome. Worse is the next announcement that the flight will be further delayed as “we have missed our slot.” The only slightly positive thing is that someone, somewhere on the flight has an empty seat beside them.
Rule 5. As most of us people already realise, the plane will leave when all the passengers are on. The airlines have presumably spent a lot of time and money to work out the quickest way to get the human cattle on board. When the announcement for passengers in zone c are called to board, anyone whose buttocks rise from their seat without a ticket for zone c will be promptly thrown off the flight. (I realise this might cause a problem in a similar vein as rule 4, but we need to stamp out this traffic jam as zone c passengers attempt to work out who is waiting to board and who is merely blocking the whole process up).
Rule 6. Flying is dull and boring. Children get bored very quickly. Put three hundred people in close proximity and small irritations become a call to arms.The relentless kick…kick…kick on the back of your seat becomes an assault on your good name and a crying child can turn a nun into a homicidal maniac. Any parent who fails to bring books,crayons and an electronic dummy for their child to stave of the wailing and whining will be ejected from the aircraft. Without a parachute.
Rule 7. With a nod in the direction of rule 3, as you get on the aircraft to take your seat, place all the things you need in the stowage area in front of you and put your small bag in the overhead locker.Then sit down. Anyone who does a yo-yo impression to the overhead lockers during the flight will have their in-flight entertainment switched off.
Rule 8. During the flight you may need to visit the toilet. This is to be monitored and anybody using the conveniences more than once every sixty minutes will be attended to by a flight attendant who will sort you out with a cork and his experience of knots……..
Rule 9. As the plane hits the runway and taxis to it`s stand, the announcement is made for passengers to “remain seated with your seat-belts fastened.” That means you sit still and keep your belt fastened. It does not mean “jump up and haul your huge bag out of the overhead locker.” If you hear the latter,not the former, then rule one for you!
Rule 10. When you get to your destination, you may need to go through passport control. As you get to the head of the swarming mass of humanity, get your travel documents in your sweaty mitts, do not wait until you are asked to provide your passport before rummaging through every pocket and every bag to find your paperwork. Failure to have documentation ready is punishable by a kick from every passenger behind you.
Rule 11. When you get to baggage reclaim any person who stands in a line with partners,children and a trolley, thereby blocking a large percentage of the belt, will have their luggage opened and sold on to the highest bidder.
Rule 12. As the weary passengers head out of the airport, any person stopping to look at sign boards and generally slowing down the flow will be taken to a brick wall, blindfolded and shot!
By the simple adoption of these rules I am sure that flying can once again become a tolerable experience!