Married, happy,oxymoron…

Wife puts up with a lot. A stressful job and a life in a different country. Possibly the toughest challenge she faces is putting up with me. She copes well with being married to me. To this end and to help everybody survive marriage, I have decided to give you my ten rules for a long marriage. ( I said long, not happy…..)

1) Listen to your wife. Well, actually we are men so we do not listen. You must learn to fake it.

2) Women like romance and stuff like that. You must rid them of this idea as soon as you can. Carry your new bride over the threshold, look her in the eyes and tell her to go and get you a sandwich. When she returns with a plateful of food ignore her and watch the football on the TV. Do not let your wife think she is more important than the TV.

3) Be prepared. A well stocked first-aid kit is very useful for when you are caught faking listening and regarding the TV as more important than your wife.

4) Your wife will like to shop for shoes and handbags. You must learn to stand for seven or eight hours outside a changing room and say things like “That looks nice dear”and “I prefer the other one”. Of course using the latter is a really good idea. Brownie points and credits are issued at this point. Heavens above you may even be permitted to visit the pub!
Of course if you are feigning interest you will be interrogated like a prisoner at Guantanamo bay and if you are suspected of faking a reply… well at least the first aid kit is well prepared.

5) You should find a woman who can cook, a woman who can earn beer money,a woman who looks like a million dollars and a woman who is your best drinking buddy. The secret is then to make sure these women never meet each other…

6) Your wife should be your best friend. Forget all the romantic rubbish, you need a wife who wants to stay up untill three AM to watch the Grand Prix and actually knows who Lewis Hamilton is.

7) For a long marriage, your stock phrases should consist of “yes dear”, “No dear” and ” I`m sorry”.

8) Do not argue. It is a waste of time and it means you might not get any dinner.

9) It does not matter who`s fault it is, accept the blame and apologise. You might get dinner and beer.

10) Marry a woman with a sense of humour. It works for me. Wife comes home and asks what I have done today and she laughs when I tell her. She laughs when I tell her that I am the master of the house and she laughs when I tell her that she must obey me. I conclude that a humour is important in a long-term relationship.

A valuable guide to saving money.

I have just eaten a rather fine lunch whilst overlooking the South China Sea. As the waiter approached with my third ( second if the wife is reading this) beer, I got to contemplating life and how to get the most out of it. It dawned on me that making your (wifes) money go as far as possible is always helpful. So here it is, the Wheelmonkey`s guide to saving money!

1) Shop online! It sounds like a daft idea as you must now pay delivery charges for buying your groceries, but if you calculate how much fuel you use to get to the supermarket it is not that bad a deal.Of course the other advantage is that you no longer drive to the supermarket for a loaf of bread and return with a dishwasher,four packs of firelighters and a pressure washer.

2) Do not shop at supermarkets! Now i realise that this contradicts point one but if you go to a local fruit and veg market you will save money.

3) When you go to the supermarket ( yes I know, contradicts points one and two..) never, ever use a trolley. Always use a basket. Once it gets too heavy to carry you will be forced to head to the check-out as you cannot carry anymore therefore saving valuable cash.

4) When you are at the supermarket and invoking rule three, head for the beer aisle first. Stock up on as much beer as you can get away with. You must remember that beer is a staple food item so money spent here is never wasted. The big advantage is that your basket becomes too heavy very quickly so the milk and bread will have to be sacrificed.

5) If you are shopping at the supermarket and your wife starts to scowl due to your sensible cost cutting exercises, give her the basket to carry. Checkout here we go!

6) Beware the false god of BOGOFS! As a careful shopper it is too easy for your eyes to be drawn to the ” Buy One Get One Free ” tickets. If you had the intention of buying one of the items, fine, you have got two for the price of one. You must be aware, however, that just because cat food has a BOGOF it does not really make it a bargain, especially if you are not a cat owner.

7) The food that is close to it`s sell-by date is always a good bargain. If it is blue cheese that was originally Wenslydale, perhaps not such a good bargain. ( Although if you can eat it, then be seriously ill you may have a claim for compensation from the supermarket, your call really.) Again, if you are lactose intolerant, then perhaps you should not really have bought fifteen cartons of yogurt for half price on the basis that “It is a good deal”.

8) The best way to double your money is to take it out of your pocket, fold it in half and put it back again.

9 ) If it sounds too good to be true, it is!

10) Buying beer at Happy Hour is good as it is half price, so you can have twice as much.

I hope that these few helpful hints will ensure that your hard-earned cash goes a bit further, perhaps even as far as next pay day!